President Addresses Nation on the Way Forward to Surging Back Towards Desperately Spinning the Clusterfuck That is Vietraq

THE PRESIDENT: Good evening. In the life of all imperialistic military empires, there come brief, fleeting moments that decide the direction of a multinational corporation masquerading as a democratic nation, and reveal the character of its blue-blooded aristocrats, conniving religious hucksters and corrupt, back-slapping robber barons. We have now been suspended in such a moment for over six calendar years.

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President's Remarks Preceding Moment of Compulsory Silence Commemorating Annual Orgy of 9/11^TM Patrio-Grief

"So make sure to hug your iPhones, TiVos, and SUVs extra tightly tonight. Because you never know when a jumbo jet full of screaming people is going careen into Home Depot while you're shopping for interior latex to accent the crown molding in your new house, the one with the mortgage you're going to default on any day now."

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Transcript of President's Call of Support to Un-Resigning, Embattled Family Values Warrior Senator Larry Craig of Idaho

SENATOR CRAIG: "I must confess, Mr. President: I feel betrayed by the GOP. It's like I've been stabbed in the back by a gang of muscled, grunting, animalistic men, feverishly thrusting their knives in and out of me, in and out, in and out..."

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President's Remarks to Super-Stoked Troops During Mega-Secret Photo Op in Increasingly Ultra-Safe Iraq

"Why, with the full brunt of the American security machine – which includes the US Military and the corporate mercenary industry which I call 'Warbucks' – bearing down on this soon-to-be-paradise, I feel safe enough to tear off my knickers and take a hot piss on a pile of bones out here in the open!"

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President Bush Holds Fruitful Meeting With All-New, Refreshingly Submissive Ruler of Insufferably Snotty Frogs

SARKOZY: "Eet eez an honor to be ici in ze Walker's Point. Like you, Monsieur President, I deteste ze intellectuels, and zat is why even zough you are ze most despised man in ze France, zat I am here today, showering your stinky cowboy anus with ze famous French tongue kisses!"

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